The Love Affair Is Over (or, Things I Swore I Would Never Write About)

by Jennifer on March 26, 2008

cowboypants.jpg

Disclaimer: If you’re looking for a post that goes well with wine and tapas, today’s not your day. It’s more of a beer and pizza day, here at my place. So get comfy, and open a window.

A few weeks ago, the Girl came over to me, perched on my lap, hugged me…and then she let one rip. Right on my leg.

Yep, that’s how she shows her love.

I wish I could say her expression of love was an isolated incident. She does it often, at least once a week. On purpose. The child who won’t cross the room to get her favorite stuffed animal (“Would you get it for me?”) will stop what she’s doing, walk to wherever I am with her sweet little cheeks clenched tight, and deliver to me (on me!) a very un-sweet present.

“Girl!” I groaned, “Did you have to do that?”

And in her sweetest little girl voice, she said, “What? When I fart, it means I’m growing!”

She’s gonna be ten feet tall.

I’ve zealously resisted the urge to post any story that includes the f word…Not the F word. I’m talking about the synonym for flatulencia.

Yes, it sounds much more sophisticated in Spanish. In fact, in Spanish, it sounds like a charming boutique in a place like Santa Barbara or Sedona, a shop where you might expect to find nice candles and potpourri. (Seriously, pick some up for me. I could use them here.)

In our house, I resisted the word for years, pouncing instead on the phrase “made a bee,” when my 2 year old boy decided that his, when produced in the bathtub, sounded just like a bee. It wasn’t until he got to kindergarten that the F word came drifting into our house, to much hilarity on his part. Because when you’re 5, farts are funny, and so is saying the word. Or when you’re 35, or even 75. A theory which my side of the family continues to prove. In fact, my grandmother, who was a tiny little woman, would win leg-wrestling matches with her much larger sons by, uh, making a bee. On purpose. The boys would spasm with laughter, and she would win the match. Fait accompli. Or, fart accompli, if you will.

So when Ducky came across this article from the BBC and this video, knowing my crush on cowboys, she had to share it. My world is shattered.

The video’s voice-over is in Spanish, and I can’t find the English-only version anywhere. Which is really just fine, since I’m not sure I want to hear all the scientific stuff about bacteria, anyway. And I apologize to those of you who are fluent in Spanish, for having to hear it all. (If you’re squeamish, you might want to skip the time frame of 1:34-1:53 in the video. A camera travels inside a person.)

The balloons at the end make me laugh. And I’m wondering when they’ll start marketing these devices to wives everywhere. Or to mothers, for their loving children.

But why, oh why, did they have to do this experiment using a cowboy??

Yeah, I suppose I’ll get over this video, eventually–maybe in as little as one or two hours days–and I’ll go on doing what I’ve always done. I’ll admire my cowboys from a safe distance.

But here at home, nothing has changed. There’s still a price to pay for a hug.

{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }

Slow Panic March 26, 2008 at 6:06 pm

i’m not watching the video. it would ruin the picture.

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Slow Panic March 26, 2008 at 6:18 pm

ok. i watched the video.

1) those beans look good

2) what is that deer running from

3) what were they thinking?

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Nicole P March 26, 2008 at 6:41 pm

I’m glad I couldn’t understand any of what they were saying.
Cause now I can just pretend that this post was about cute cowboy tushies!

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Milena March 26, 2008 at 7:00 pm

I also watched the video and I, was able to understand it. You get brownie points for knowing a world like Flatulencia Jennifer. I am thoroughly impressed. I don’t know quite that it brings potpourri shops to mind but it does have smelly connotations. Let’s just say that it is a very elegant way to refer to something less than elegant. Your daughter’s explanation for her little gift had me cracking up. This story is so very funny and emblematic of child logic at this age. I loved it.

And you know, I agree with Slow Panic, what were those cowboys thinking indeed? i would never have agreed to those rubber panties. Ouch! not to mention uncomfortable.

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liv March 26, 2008 at 7:05 pm

oof. beans.

cowboys. right now i’m into oil men.

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Jennifer Harvey March 26, 2008 at 7:06 pm

I know. Not even for science. (Is that what this was?)

I’m scarred, too. Deeply scarred.

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Brenda March 26, 2008 at 7:32 pm

What? This is scientific? FTLOG!

Kindergarten. That’s when the word first entered our house. I think it’s probably still said at school, but not in the house.

Do you remember when my brother and I got spanked at school for a song with that word in it? (4th grade for me.) Were you even there yet?

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ByJane March 26, 2008 at 7:56 pm

I didn’t understand a word of this, but I laughed my head off. I guess we’d have to say that the universal language is really The Fart.

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flutter March 26, 2008 at 8:33 pm

You know. Every time Clay hugs me there is always a burp or fart involved.

Maybe I am cut out for this mom thing

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Meg March 26, 2008 at 8:51 pm

I have seen this before, I just can’t remember where or when!

I LOVED the picture, but you knew I would!
For a second, I thought you had changed out your header!

The video ruins the picture…sigh…

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marlee March 26, 2008 at 8:59 pm

Yeah, I made it almost five years with the word “toot”, but now the dream is over…

And I love that you write so eloquently that even the subject of farts is a good read! šŸ™‚

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Jenn @ Juggling Life March 26, 2008 at 10:46 pm

My mother never once allowed that word to be said in our house, or in her presence. I still have trouble with it. However, as the mother of 4, I’m getting over it!

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Tootsie Farklepants March 26, 2008 at 10:59 pm

My husband’s grandmother referred to them as “little poopy-airs”. It still makes me laugh!

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Carolyn March 26, 2008 at 11:39 pm

To help you out (and Meg)… the reason you can’t find this in English is because Oprah probably has the rights to it. This aired on her show as part of a Dr. Oz segment which probably originally aired on his Discovery Health Channel special. Perhaps check Oprah.com or Discovery Health to find the English version.

Enough about that. Let’s talk about farts. We love farts around here. I guess that tells you a lot about the class level of our family, eh?

Our three-year-old especially loves it when we call her “Farty McGarty” after she toots. She usually tells us that someone’s at the door and then she insists we go get it and invite Mr. Farty McGarty in. Needless to say, she’s a big fan of all things fartalicious.

Was that too much information?

Anyway… very giggle worthy post. Thanks.

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Jennifer H March 27, 2008 at 12:18 am

Oprah’s next book club selection:

The Secret…to Flatulencia.

If you want to stop farting, all you have to do is wish it.

You heard it here first.

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Ducky March 27, 2008 at 3:15 am

Brenda, if you could share a few words from that song, I’d remember it.

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Kelley March 27, 2008 at 3:51 am

Hahahaha – you said fart accompli.

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HRH March 27, 2008 at 5:24 am

Oh I saw that on Discovery Health on that food series. I wondered the same thing why the cowboys? Poor farting cowboys…

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TX Poppet March 27, 2008 at 8:02 am

Beans, beans, the magical fruit…
The more you eat, the more you toot…

I firmly believe that an appreciation of wind humor is indicative of superior intelligence. My Spouse firmly disagrees.

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Melissa March 27, 2008 at 8:31 am

It’s the beans, baby. And the beer. And peppers. And for me? Cucumbers, too. (sigh)

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andi March 27, 2008 at 9:28 am

Classic. I love it how you can hear the guy at the end under the Spanish subtitles say, “Wow. That’s a lot of gas.” Is science really so desperate for experimental material?

And about farting, my 3-year-old adores it. Sometimes when I tell her that her farts are stinky, she says, “That one’s not stinky, that’s a yummy fart.” So she has started a classification system for flatulence. Maybe I have my own budding scientist?

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we_be_toys March 27, 2008 at 10:37 am

I love the word “Flatulencia” – it does sound like a upscale boutique, though I’m a little afraid of the scents of their candles and “poo-pourri”.

“Making a Bee” is a classic term and should be in the dictionary. period.

Ah the eternal joy and bliss of sharing one’s gastric scent with others – the gift that keeps on giving, eh?

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Daryl E March 27, 2008 at 12:03 pm

Oh Jennifer you have no idea how much I needed that laugh .. do you remember in the movie Blazing Saddles when the cowboys sat around the fire eating BEANS? Sigh… I am trying to remember what we called farting growing up .. I know we didnt call it farting .. it will come to me .. maybe if someone pulls my finger ..

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Coco March 27, 2008 at 12:42 pm

Ha. Making a bee. I may steal that one!

Here in the House of Never Ending Gas, we call them “ducks”. My husband thinks it’s hilarious. Bean (who has been fortuitously nicknamed, now that I think of it) is following in his father’s noxious footsteps.

Oh, I can’t wait for Kindergarten and fart jokes. Yay. šŸ˜‰

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molly March 27, 2008 at 1:18 pm

I hate the word too. Really hate it. I am dreading the day my son learns it.
I might use making a bee too.

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Brenda March 27, 2008 at 2:05 pm

In our house we just say, “had/have gas.” Kind of like everything else we just say instead of making up a cute word for it.

ANYWAY, to Jennifer and Ducky, let this take you back in time (and Ducky I think you got in trouble for this, too, but I got 5 nice bruises for my spanking. That $*%@ teacher hated me! (And I, him.))…..

Driving down the road,
Doin’ 94,
Teacher let a big one
And blew us right out the door.
The wheels rolled away,
The engine fell apart
All because the teacher
Let a great big _art!

Don’t EVER tell my children I sang that song! Although I would probably find it amusing if they could come up with something to rhyme with “had gas.”

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San March 27, 2008 at 3:38 pm

Flatulencia. It does sound trendy.

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Landon March 27, 2008 at 5:46 pm

I’m thinking “Flatulencia” sounds like a name bad supermodel name.

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Daryl E March 27, 2008 at 5:56 pm

Come on back over to my place… I am passing an award on to you!

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Mad Madge March 27, 2008 at 6:49 pm

The fire scene was so romantic. Maybe that’s what I’ve been missing — a big plastic tube stuck in the back of my…. pants??!??

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Sandy (Momisodes) March 27, 2008 at 7:03 pm

I nearly wet my pants when the guy and gal were chatting..and then they did the back shot of the girl and she was nearly floating away with those bags so inflated with gas! ROFL šŸ™‚

Flatulencia……bizarre that it sounds rather ‘floral’

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david mcmahon March 27, 2008 at 7:13 pm

Flatulence? That’s part of the “air force”!

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the mama bird diaries March 27, 2008 at 7:49 pm

“When I fart, it means Iā€™m growing!ā€”

FUNNY.

I thought of that little girl at the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Like… every time you hear a bell ring, it’s just an angel farting… or something like that.

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Crazycath March 28, 2008 at 7:41 am

Oh too funny! And gross! Those balloons…!

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Daryl E March 28, 2008 at 10:42 am

I remembered .. my mother always said ‘did you make a wind?’

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sauerkraut March 28, 2008 at 11:44 am

fart chat!

Oh, you do know how to hold a guy’s attention.

One of my nieces did that when she was about 3… walk on over, give me the sweetest grin, climb on my lap (by now I knew what she was up to), give me another grin, and then let it go. Now that’s she about out of college, she no longer wants to hear those stories.

Nor does she ask me to pull her finger.

meow.

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Hatchet March 28, 2008 at 6:10 pm

Oh man! What I want to know is how did that START as her way to “show you her love”? Eek!

At least Caitlin doesn’t fart on me. Whew! I feel like I dodged a bullet there somehow.

Now I’m sort of afraid to watch the video.

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JCK March 28, 2008 at 8:31 pm

Whenever I think of farting and beans, I think of that scene from Mel Brooks’ “Blazing Saddles.” Hysterical. But, does diminish – only slightly mind you – the image of our manly cowboy.

Too, too funny on your girl.

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Akelamalu March 29, 2008 at 4:29 am

I came over from David’s to read your ‘post of the day’ and I’m ROFL! The video reminded me of ‘Blazing Saddles’ too. When did farting become a term of endearment? I’ll remember that next time I let one slip and MWM complains! šŸ™‚ Great post.

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