Disclaimer: If you’re looking for a post that goes well with wine and tapas, today’s not your day. It’s more of a beer and pizza day, here at my place. So get comfy, and open a window.
A few weeks ago, the Girl came over to me, perched on my lap, hugged me…and then she let one rip. Right on my leg.
Yep, that’s how she shows her love.
I wish I could say her expression of love was an isolated incident. She does it often, at least once a week. On purpose. The child who won’t cross the room to get her favorite stuffed animal (“Would you get it for me?”) will stop what she’s doing, walk to wherever I am with her sweet little cheeks clenched tight, and deliver to me (on me!) a very un-sweet present.
“Girl!” I groaned, “Did you have to do that?”
And in her sweetest little girl voice, she said, “What? When I fart, it means I’m growing!”
She’s gonna be ten feet tall.
I’ve zealously resisted the urge to post any story that includes the f word…Not the F word. I’m talking about the synonym for flatulencia.
Yes, it sounds much more sophisticated in Spanish. In fact, in Spanish, it sounds like a charming boutique in a place like Santa Barbara or Sedona, a shop where you might expect to find nice candles and potpourri. (Seriously, pick some up for me. I could use them here.)
In our house, I resisted the word for years, pouncing instead on the phrase “made a bee,” when my 2 year old boy decided that his, when produced in the bathtub, sounded just like a bee. It wasn’t until he got to kindergarten that the F word came drifting into our house, to much hilarity on his part. Because when you’re 5, farts are funny, and so is saying the word. Or when you’re 35, or even 75. A theory which my side of the family continues to prove. In fact, my grandmother, who was a tiny little woman, would win leg-wrestling matches with her much larger sons by, uh, making a bee. On purpose. The boys would spasm with laughter, and she would win the match. Fait accompli. Or, fart accompli, if you will.
The video’s voice-over is in Spanish, and I can’t find the English-only version anywhere. Which is really just fine, since I’m not sure I want to hear all the scientific stuff about bacteria, anyway. And I apologize to those of you who are fluent in Spanish, for having to hear it all. (If you’re squeamish, you might want to skip the time frame of 1:34-1:53 in the video. A camera travels inside a person.)
The balloons at the end make me laugh. And I’m wondering when they’ll start marketing these devices to wives everywhere. Or to mothers, for their loving children.
But why, oh why, did they have to do this experiment using a cowboy??
Yeah, I suppose I’ll get over this video, eventually–maybe in as little as one or two
hours days–and I’ll go on doing what I’ve always done. I’ll admire my cowboys from a safe distance.
But here at home, nothing has changed. There’s still a price to pay for a hug.