The Man Photo

by Jennifer on May 2, 2008

What was the last thing someone said to you that made you want to crawl under your desk/the bedcovers/the closest mountain? Well, here’s mine…

Tonight I was talking on the phone with someone who is related to me by blood, close enough that a kidney donation might have a good shot.* This Close Blood Relative (CBR from now on) also reads my blog.

I can’t remember how we got from Point A to Point You Look Like a Man in That Photo You Posted, but by golly damn, we sure as shit ended up there.

Yes, after the photo had been posted on my blog for close to 20 hours, give or take, CBR** told me, “You look like a man in that photo you posted.”

The hell? (to borrow a favorite philosophical question from Tootsie Farklepants).

The Alleged Man Photo

“Well, what do you want me to say? You did.” I think CBR said. Or some lame variation of that.

“I have to get off the phone now.” I said to CBR. And so I did.

Of course, I needed to get off the phone. I had lots of Manscaping to do. A five o’clock shadow to tame. Some chest hair to wax. Is it weird for dudes to use Botox? ‘Cause maybe I could use some of that, too.

When CBR called back the eleventh time and I finally felt like answering, my great big question was, “If you thought I looked like a man in that picture, why didn’t you tell me this morning? No, wait, before you answer.” I lowered my voice to my deepest register, and repeated the question in my best Man Voice. “Why didn’t you tell me this morning that I looked like a man?”

Because there’s nothing better than hearing that you may have quite inadvertently gone transgender all day long, when it was totally Celebrate Your Own Gender Day. Embarrassing.

While my Man Photo decorated my blog today, I was out doing some very girly things, just so ya know. My nails look something like this:

And my toes look something like this, but with red polish:

Of course, neither my nails nor my toes were visible in the Man Photo***, so maybe that caused some confusion.

Imagine if I had held up a 7-Eleven today.

Police officer: “Describe the perpetrator, if you can.”

Dwight, the clerk: “Well, he had big, you know, man boobs. And blonde hair, long like a girl’s. But, no, it was definitely a man. About this tall, like maybe 5 foot 5. Hey, Chad, come on out here. You saw the guy, right?”

Chad, the other clerk: “Hell, yeah, strangest thing I ever saw, that guy. Wearin’ lipstick and shit? But you know” (he elbows Dwight) “there was somethin’ about her, wudn’t there? Did I say her? Him. Damn.”

Maybe I should have knocked over a couple of convenience stores, and maybe a bank. They would have never caught me.

___________________________________________

*For the record, I have no knowledge of how kidney transplant viability works. I would look it up on Wikipedia, but I’m too busy trying to remember to leave the toilet seat down.
**CBR granted me permission to tell this story. I may or may not still feel like donating a kidney if it’s ever needed.
***Yes, I replaced the photo on yesterday’s post with another, man-free photograph.

{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Mary Alice May 3, 2008 at 4:08 am

You did not. I saw that picture and I liked it…I didn’t get ANY man vibes off of it at all. I got care free windsweapt and sunny vibes….in fact it made me want to run away in a jeep.

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Mrs. Chili May 3, 2008 at 4:27 am

You SO did NOT look like a man. What is CBR THINKING?! (IS CBR thinking?) I mean, really; how could you EVER look like a man?

What I really want to know, though, is how you got that picture in the first place? It’s a great shot, but I seriously doubt you could have framed and snapped it yourself, all while driving.

Stay away from the 7-11s. Crime doesn’t pay.

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Ducky May 3, 2008 at 6:05 am

Totally hilarious post, by the way.

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melissa May 3, 2008 at 6:06 am

First, you are so dang funny.
Second, you most certainly do NOT look like a man.
Third, that shot was cool.
so there!

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Brenda May 3, 2008 at 6:50 am

I will repeat what I said on the phone:

1) No man has lips like that. (Which my husband independently verified.)
2) It doesn’t matter what you look like. The picture was amazing. You’re driving down the highway in a Jeep with the top down. Did you see the curvy road sign? You take a picture of YOURSELF in the rearview mirror without crashing. The camera is invisible. Really, you should get an award for a picture like that.

I will add that most men (not all) don’t have quite so dangly earrings. And that I’m pretty sure my relationship to CBR will rule me out for any transplants (since I’m just a CR), so s/he maybe ought to watch her P’s and Q’s for a while to restore the hope of major medical intervention should the need arise.

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Jenn @ Juggling Life May 3, 2008 at 8:40 am

I’m wracking my brain trying to remember the shot–there was definitely no man picture that I remember.

People that say things after it’s possible for the information to be used are suspect in my book.

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Tootsie Farklepants May 3, 2008 at 9:58 am

“Well, he had big, you know, man boobs.”

I literally laughed my ass off!

And if the picture you linked to is your “man photo”, I disagree with the assessment.

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Madge May 3, 2008 at 10:44 am

man boobs. that is just killing me.

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Carolyn May 3, 2008 at 11:05 am

Hi-freakin-larious. Thanks for the great laugh this morning. And for the record, I was thinking you looked like a man too, but thought it was on purpose and/or funny, so I didn’t tell you.

Or, I didn’t really notice the photo because I was too busy loving your writing. I mean, who the hell comes to this blog for the photos anyway?? It’s all about the writing dude. Er, lady. Although, as it seems, maybe I should be paying more attention to the photos lest I miss all the tranny action.

Oh, and one more thing. Man boobs = funny. I should work that into my next post somewhere. I really need to try getting my funny on, but nothing funny ever happens to me. Have a great day.

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Carolyn May 3, 2008 at 11:09 am

ps – upon further inspection of “The Alleged Man Photo”, I have to say the twinkle of your pretty gold hoop earring, combined with your plump lipsticky lips and your long flowing hair does make you look a little manish. Watch out for that, eh! Or, CBR needs to get their head examined. I’m just sayin’.

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flutter May 3, 2008 at 1:32 pm

You nut case. You so did not look like a man!

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Jenny, Bloggess May 3, 2008 at 3:41 pm

Man-boobs.

This is why I love you.

PS. You are the hottest man I’ve ever seen. *rowr*

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Dave May 3, 2008 at 3:45 pm

You look absolutely normal from here, lol….

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Daryl E May 3, 2008 at 4:04 pm

You so did not look like a man in that photo .. actually you looked sexy … and not in a man sexy way.

But if I were you I would forgive her … and I am not saying this because she can read the comments… really .. ;-]

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Louis la Vache May 3, 2008 at 5:15 pm

CBR should have cleaned CBR’s glasses. Even Louis who is une vache, could tell you ARE NOT a man! Louis somehow thinks you weren’t trying to do some kind of, you know, San Francisco thing, either.

Louis recommends that you put the original photo back up!

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TEOM May 3, 2008 at 5:16 pm

Tell that CBR to stop jerking your chain or CBR will have to answer to all your readers.

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Nicole P May 3, 2008 at 6:41 pm

Oh okay….now I get the poll.
You do not look like a man.
Relatives suck!

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HRH May 3, 2008 at 10:02 pm

The photo is so cool. I love it and am a little afraid to ask how you took it, but that is beside the point that I think CBR is a bit insane and hope that CBR isn’t so close that the insanity could run in your family through the kidney-sharing blood.

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JCK May 3, 2008 at 10:31 pm

No worries on mannishness.

Mmm…HRH does have a very good point. How DID you take this shot. Please ….don’t tell us. Just don’t.

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Hatchet May 4, 2008 at 9:26 am

Hah! I don’t think you looked like a man in that shot, although your sunglasses were a bit suspect.

Other than that, I sure hope it was a friend or loved one that shot that, or else you have a very steady hand and a very good, yet tiny camera that did the trick. So speaks she who lugs around a giant SLR: no one handed action possible!

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Just Jamie May 4, 2008 at 6:49 pm

Never did I think the photo looked like a man. A little Thelma & Louise perhaps, but never a Dude.

Purdy fingers…

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CrazyCath May 4, 2008 at 7:44 pm

Definitely not a man with those nails and toes! Or in the picture. Does CBR need specs and was he / she wearing them? Sorry CBR – but not a dude!

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the mama bird diaries May 4, 2008 at 8:28 pm

A man? I don’t think so. That is ridiculous.

But heck, it made for a great post. 🙂

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Grandy May 5, 2008 at 9:41 pm

If you looked like a man, I’m a hobbit!!

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Allen May 7, 2008 at 2:26 pm

I loved the overall picture structure . . . taken at a slight angle . . . B&W . . . the REALLY COOL independent, wild-but-in-control look on the driver’s face who’s focused on the long road ahead, which, like the sign, will have twists and turns. GREAT overall image. But a MAN picture? As another blogger wrote, very rare is the male with full lips *AND* long, dangling earrings. Long hair and cool shades? yes. But maybe the comment by CBR because he’s too close to you? But the ‘man photo’ is a really neat contrast to your current avatar, a photo, I might add (and no, I’m *NOT* suckin’ up), that shows to me a resemblance to Rene Russo. Seriously. No kidding.

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